| How Is Your Love Life Anyway? |
Control is about Fear & domination & it is not loving or caring. Recovery is really all about maintaining a good Relationship with yourself & other people. Many people new to Recovery have never been able to really experience or enjoy a good love relationship. Bad relationships are the primary reason why many troubled people seek out recovery in the first place. There is no real Intimacy whatsoever in bad compulsive addictive relationships. Since birds of the same feather always flock or roost together children born & raised in dysfunctional families where Addiction or Alcoholism were present in other family members have a tendency to attract & marry people from the same type of or similar family background & repeat the Dysfunctional Family thing all over again. Men & women raised in families where active untreated alcoholism or addiction were present in other family members often take on the role of either an offender type or a victim type in subsequent romantic relationships. Basically offender types ( takers ) relate to the family member(s) who victimized them as a child & unconsciously Reenact their childhood abuse issues out on to their relationship partners. Victim types ( givers ) relate to their Victimization & reenact their childhood abuse issues out on to themselves by unconsciously allowing themselves to become victim types in romantic relationships. Offenders are the type that can easily leave anyone & everyone, seemingly could care less & very seldom experience withdraw pain. Victim types have a morbid fear of abandonment & can not leave anyone & experience excruciating & debilitating withdraw pain when abandoned by relationship partners. Victim types will say or do almost anything to try & hold on to dysfunctional relationship partners/relationships. Offender types naturally attract victim types & visa versa. The two play off of each other which is an understatement. They always find each other very quickly wherever they are or go & that includes 12 step meetings & church related social events or recovery related activities ( There Seems To Be Matching Antennas ). The result is generally called A Match Made In Heaven ( Love At First Sight ). Due to their denial, delusion & other Defense Mechanisms they actually think their dysfunctional romantic relationship behavior is perfectly normal. Most of their dysfunctional relationship behaviors were modeled by their primary caretakers who inherited them from their primary caretakers ( Sins Of the Fathers, Family Secrets, Genetics ). In the real world this is referred to as "Monkey See Monkey Do ". Over the years many of us have learned a few personal relationship self protective measures in the form of Personal Boundaries concerning this topic & we would like to share them with you: People who know who they really are do not & would not ever chase anyone. If someone is chasing them they put on their roller skates & get away & stay away from them. Either way all they will ever experience in this type of relationship is Codependency & it will never be right. When someone shows up or comes into your life in a soft & gentle way & you become good mutual friends & then the two of you discover that the two of you have something to do together that is a benefit to your world that you could not possibly perform or accomplish unless you were together as a married couple it will be right & the both of you will know that immediately. Getting married & having children to replenish the human population is a benefit to the world if it is to continue to exist. Working together as a couple to protect our planet from further destruction is a benefit to our world as another example. There are unlimited possibilities. Getting into a relationship just because you are lonely & desperate is not one of them. The two of you become lifetime Angels in Ca-Hoots & experience The Mutually Rewarding Holy Relationship. Some helpful hints with the Dating Game : When God Writes Your Love Story When people date many of them will always put their best foot forward & present only their best self. They will attempt to hide everything about themselves they would not want you to know about. They will go to great lengths to hide & cover-up all of their character defects & short comings. You will never know how anyone really behaves like in a romantic relationship until you finally move in with them & get back into the familiar family environment. When that happens the little children inside of them will come out to play. Then & only then will you know what they are really like behind closed doors in a romantic relationship. If they did it to them they will also do it to you & you can almost always count on that for sure. If they broke a personal commitment & left or Divorced another person they could also leave or divorce you. If they talk about Abuse from another person ( The Feel Sorry For Me Hook ) ( Victim Playing or Blaming ) & you allow yourself to become involved with them you could end up being the next person they accuse of being abusive to them ( Avoid Blamers ). Hurt People Hurt People! Emotionally healthy people that practice Self Love who take good care of themselves & have good self protective personal boundaries in place would very seldom if ever choose or pick someone who would ever be abusive to them ( Did You Grab That? ). Why would anyone ever want to say or do anything to hurt someone they claim they love or care about? Always remember it is much easier to get into a bad relationship than it is to get out of it. It is often more valuable to leave a friendship or relationship than to have to watch someone you love & care about destroy themselves & their lives with compulsive addictive disease. Dysfunctional Compulsive Addictive Dependency Relationships: Sex, Love, Romance Addiction & Co-Sex Addiction If you are the victim type & you choose to keep going back you will only get more of the same thing over & over again. 13th Stepping: A 12 Step Meeting is a great place to find yourself yet another short term lousy love relationship. Churches: Just because someone attends church regularly does not automatically mean that they do not have character defects or short comings that could make your life miserable. Beware of people who claim to be religious but do not live up to or practice what their religion teaches or demands of it's followers. You would be wise to avoid so called religious or spiritual people who like to have Sex outside of a loving & caring mutually committed monogamous relationship ( Dangerous Dysfunctional Relationship Behavior ). Bi-Polar means having or expressing two Contradictory ideas or qualities ( Bi-Polar Mania Hyper-Sexuality ). STD's: Always ask direct questions about Sexually Transmitted Disease before you decide to become intimate or sexual with anyone. Ask your partner if they have been infected with an STD in the past & if so which ones. If they try to avoid answering such questions or refuse to disclose personal sexual behavior information you may want to discontinue your involvement with them as they simply are not responsible adults. Just Good Friends: When a man or woman tells you he or she is just a friend remember that is not so if one or the other has romantic interest in the other. Friends are men or women who both mutually have no romantic interest in each other period. Modern Day Safe Sex: To be safe each person must agree to be mutually tested for all possible Sexual Abstinence Sexually Transmitted Diseases together at the same time by the same medical personnel before engaging in any type of sexual intercourse, oral sex or exchange of body fluids with each other & refrain from these types of activities for a period of at least six months until a 2nd HIV test comes back negative. If your potential relationship partner refuses to go along with this you may be wise to end your involvement with them as they simply are not mature or responsible adults & that could put you at risk. Many of the STD's being spread around are incurable & permanently life damaging ( No Small Thing ). If your new relationship partner is going through a divorce or was recently divorced or broke up with a boyfriend or girlfriend you have no idea who his or her ex-spouse or relationship partner may have been sexual with or what kind of STD's they may have passed on to your new partner. The rule of thumb concerning possible STD contamination is simple. Do not trust anyone as any sexual contact you make with anyone who has ever had sexual contact with another person puts your Body Fluids in direct contact with the body fluids of at least 250 other people. Many of us in recovery men & women alike no longer desire to have another unknown person's body fluids put into or onto our bodies via sexually Promiscuous romantic relationship partners ( Unsafe People ). Be aware that 12 step recovery programs have an over abundance of promiscuous people men & women alike. Recovery for these unfortunate people is about no longer engaging in promiscuity as an act of self love. Current divorce rate for first time around marriages is approximately 50% in the USA. Second time around marriages have an approximate 70-80% failure rate in USA ( This is no joke ). The first relationship after a long term relationship breakup or divorce almost always ends up in total failure. Remember that when recently divorced or on the rebound individuals flirt around with you ( throw you a bone ). The vast majority of available American people you will come across are into the I, me & mine syndrome often times better known as the my way or the highway mentality which makes for lousy one sided relationships & this is one of the primary reasons the divorce rate is so high. They constantly express what they want, need or demand in a relationship with little regard for the other person's wants, needs, feelings or preferences. Reciprocity is not in their vocabulary & more than likely it never will be as most people never change. Always remember that who you really are always speaks louder than what you say ( Honesty ). Enjoy your love life as the Creator intended but best be careful & cautious about who you Choose to do that with or you may be made to suffer the unpleasant consequences ( Emotional Pain ) ( Romantic Rejection ). It is all in the healthy choices you make so be patient & shop around as it may take you a long while to come across someone who would ever be right for you & visa versa.
Romance is difficult for people who were raised in dysfunctional families where addiction was present in other family members & all of us in recovery have to accept that & be personally responsible by making better choices for ourselves when it comes to romantic relationship partners. Less than five percent of the American population is emotionally healthy according to professionals. Individual Recovery efforts is the only solution to this problem. You must get in touch with Reality . |
| Red Flags |
| If you do not love & care about yourself you can not love or care about others in a healthy way. |
If you date someone using the above system as a guide & after awhile you decide
the two of you are not right for each other it will be very easy for the both of you to depart as
friends & remain as friends.
If you get sexual with someone & then breakup it will be a very
painful ordeal & you will certainly no longer wish to remain friends.
The best way to avoid becoming sexual with someone is to not engage in behaviors that lead
up to uncontrollable sexual urges.
You do not have to be a Christian or even believe in God to apply
these principles to your dating experience.
Insanity is doing the same dysfunctional things over & over again
& expecting different results.
Try something new for a change & maybe things will change for
the better.
It is worth a try.
Misery is optional! ( It's your choice! ).
Get the both of you on the same page & work it.
Try it differently next time & see for yourself how much better it will be for the both of you.
| The most euphoric thing on Mother Earth is the opening rounds of a new & more exciting romantic relationship & that is why many people often times mistakenly choose the wrong person to be in a romantic relationship with. |
| Relationships |
| Nice Guys |
| Always beware of the wolf in sheep's clothing! |
| Take what you like & leave the rest! |