| The Split |
By Anne Bissell ( Sexual Abuse Survivors Anonymous ©2002 All Rights Reserved ) Sex and Love Topics Sexual Abuse Victims often times experience the following personal difficulties: Pattern of being a victim, especially sexually. We do not believe in our own power and it is difficult, and at times impossible, to believe that we have the right to set limits and say no. A deep-seated, all-encompassing belief that sex is the solution to all our problems and the way to get everything we need The need to be in a relationship has a life or death quality to it; there is no black and white —we simply “must” maintain the relationship, no matter how destructive it is to our core personal integrity. As a young adult or teen, a pattern of relationships with much older persons who exploit our lack of boundaries. There is a quality of being “an object” in this relationship. We are their “trophy.” As an adult, we might also still feel like an object, or as if we are really just playing a role. Examples might include: sex object, exotic dancer, wife, mistress. Our “role” might be perfectly legitimate and authentic, yet we feel jaded, as if we are performers. Codependent behaviors. Instinctively knowing and doing what the other person needs or wants; putting others needs first A tendency to pick and attempt to “rescue” partners who are a combination of any of the following characteristics: drug addicts and/or alcoholics, sex addicts, avoidance addicts, dealing with mental illness issues; habitual criminals who are deeply entrenched in the legal system and have been in various “locked-down” situations for many years of their adult (or juvenile) lives. Sex and love addictions Abandonment issues. Inability to end inappropriate relationships Splitting off during the sex act. This is also known as “The Split,” or disassociation Trouble integrating sexuality and emotions Feeling betrayed by ones own body whenever real desire is experienced Aversion to being touched, especially in gynecological exam Strong aversion to particular sex acts. Strong aversion to either one’s own or partner’s genitals Compulsive need to control the sex act by such methods as such as having to watch Porn while engaging in sex, or the need to impose fantasy role playing onto the activity. Such as pretending to be a prostitute in order to “endure” the sex act Confusion or overlapping of affection, sex, dominance aggression or violence such as S&M and B&D (bondage and discipline). Pursuing power in the sexual arena which is actually sexual acting out Self Abuse and manipulation (especially among women) Abuse of others (especially among men) Compulsively “seductive” or compulsively asexuality Tendency to attract sexual addicts into our lives who exploit and violate our inability to set sexual boundaries Has to be the sexual aggressor or must not be the sexual aggressor Impersonal sexual encounters Promiscuous sex with strangers while still involved in a “committed” relationship where there is an inability to be truly intimate Conflicts between sex and caring Involvement in the sex industry in any capacity: prostitution, stripping, “sex symbol,” porn actress A tendency to sexually act out to meet anger or revenge needs Sexaholism: addicted to Lust, or addicted to making others “lust” after us to get that jolt, that hit of excitement Avoidance of sexual experiences Crying after orgasm All pursuit feels like we are being violated Sexualizing a relationship where it isn’t appropriate to do so Erotic response to abuse or anger Sexual fantasies of dominance or rape Aversion to making noise during sex. |
Why Recovery? We believe recovery is necessary if we are to recognize how the aftereffects of sexual abuse have made our lives unmanageable. We have become powerless over a multitude of symptoms and behaviors. When you are a survivor of any form of sexual abuse, whether it is incest, date rape, or prostitution, there are many aftereffects. These may manifest in your life in any combination of ways. Think of these behaviors as a constellation of symptoms that until now you might not have been aware of. Eventually, these symptoms create a full-blown syndrome, or disease. Another term for this is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). We believe that some, if not all of these behaviors served to distract you from your pain regarding the sexual abuse. You are not alone. There are nearly 100 possible aftereffects that might be related to your personal history as a survivor. Aftereffects of Sexual Abuse (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD) Problems with setting boundaries around who you are. No belief in one’s own basic human rights; as if we have grown so accustomed to abuse that it seems normal to us, Difficulty in claiming our own Voice, our right to protect and defend our own best interests. Taking dangerous high-risks without concern for consequences. Alienation from the body. Not at home in the body. Obsessive/compulsive behaviors that serve to medicate our personal pain. Trust issues: inability to trust, or trusting indiscriminately. High-risk taking, or inability to take risks. Guilt, shame, low self-esteem, feeling worthless. Feeling of carrying an awful secret. Both a desire to tell this secret, and a concurrent fear of the secret being revealed; certainty that no one will listen, or being generally secretive. Pattern of being a victim, especially sexually. No sense of own power or right to set limits or say no to sex. An all-encompassing belief that sex is the solution to all our problems and the way to get everything we need. Codependent behaviors. Instinctively knowing and doing what the other person needs or wants; putting other's needs first. Abandonment issues. Inability to end inappropriate relationships. Splitting off during the sex act. This is also known as “The Split,” or disassociation. |
Aftereffects: When you are a survivor of any form of sexual abuse, whether it is incest, date rape, or prostitution, there are many aftereffects. These may manifest in your life in any combination of ways. Think of these behaviors as a constellation of symptoms that until now you might not have been aware of. Eventually, these symptoms create a full-blown syndrome, or disease. This is most commonly referred to: Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). We believe that some, if not all of these behaviors served to distract you from your pain regarding the sexual abuse. Problems with setting boundaries around who you are___ It is difficult for you to know what you are feeling___ No belief in one’s own basic human rights; as if we have grown so accustomed to abuse that it seems normal to us___ Difficulty in claiming our own Voice, our God-given right to protect and defend our own best interests___ Issues with space such as feeling suddenly claustrophobic, or nervous when someone gets too close___ Easily startled, or flinching when someone attempts to touch or move towards us___ Taking dangerous high-risks without concern for consequences___ Fear of losing control__ If you were not abused as badly as others, you may experience “survivor guilt"___ You at times feel guilty for pleasurable emotions such as happiness, as if you somehow do not deserve it___ Desire to change one’s name (to disassociate from the perpetrator or to take control through self-labeling)___ Stealing (adults); stealing and starting fires (children)___ Fear of being along in the dark, of sleeping alone, nightmares, night terrors, especially of pursuit, threat, entrapment___ Swallowing and gagging sensitivity___ Alienation from the body. Not at home in body___ A feeling that our bodies do not belong to us so we do not listen to body signals___ A failure to take care of our health and/or personal hygiene (lack of self-care)___ Poor body image ____ Wearing a lot of clothing to avoid sexual attention___ Eating disorders, (excessive over-eating, or dieting, anorexia, bulimia)___ Drug or alcohol abuse Compulsive shopping and debting; inability to spend or save money appropriately___ Sex and love addictions Obsessive/compulsive behaviors that serve to medicate our personal pain ___ Self-destructiveness; self-mutilation or self-abuse (banging head against wall)____ Phobias___ Need to be invisible; perfect, or perfectly bad___ Multiple personality disorder___ Suicidal thoughts, attempts, obsession Passive suicide (no real will to live)___ Depression (sometimes paralyzing)___ Difficulty with recognizing, owning or expressing anger___ Rageaholism (constant uncontrolled anger)___ Splitting (depersonalization) going into shock, shutdown in crisis, numbing___ Feeling watched___ Trust issues: inability to trust, or trusting indiscriminately___ High risk taking, or inability to take risks___ Boundary issues; control, power, fear of losing control___ Guilt, shame, low self-esteem, feeling worthless___ Blocking out some period of early years (especially 1-12) or a specific person or place__ Feeling of carrying an awful secret. Both a desire to tell this secret, and a concurrent fear of the secret being revealed; certainty that no one will listen; being generally secretive___ Self-labeling that is a result of feeling marked (Everyone knows I’m no-good,” or, “I’m a slut, dirty, worthless…” ____ Feeling crazy; feeling different___ Believing that everyone’s existence is valid; however, we are a phony___ Creating a fantasy world, relationships, or identities___ Denial: no awareness at all; repression of memories, pretending, minimizing, having dreams or memories (maybe it’s my imagination)___ Strong, deep negative reactions to a person, place, or event, sensory flashes (a light, a place, a physical feeling) without a sense of their meaning___ Being aware of, or remembering the surroundings where abuse occurred, but not the actual event___ Flashbacks___ Panic Attacks___ |
Pattern of being a victim, especially sexually__ No sense of own power or right to set limits or say no to sex___ All pursuit feels like we are being violated___ Sexualizing a relationship where or when it isn’t appropriate to do so___ Erotic response to abuse or anger___ A deep-seated, all-encompassing belief that sex is the solution to all our problems and the way to get everything we need___ Our desire to be involved in a relationship has a life or death quality to it; there is no black and white —we simply “must” maintain the relationship, no matter how destructive__ As a young adult or teen, a pattern of relationships with much older persons who exploit our lack of boundaries. There is a quality of being “an object” in this relationship. We are their “trophy” ____ A need to carry this behavior into adulthood by being seen as the “ultimate sex object.” For example, “the perfect sexually submissive partner with no demands of his or her own,” the “trophy wife,” “porn star,” etc. In other words, we are still in a persona playing a role based on our sexuality___ Codependent behaviors. Instinctively knowing and doing what the other person needs or wants; putting others needs first___ A tendency to pick and attempt to “rescue” partners who exhibit a combination of any of the following characteristics: drug addicts and/or alcoholics, sex addicts, avoidance addicts, mentally ill; criminals who are entrenched in the legal system and have been for many years of their adult (or juvenile) lives__ Sex and love addictions__ Abandonment issues. Inability to end inappropriate relationships___ Splitting off during the sex act. This is also known as “The Split,” or disassociation__ Trouble integrating sexuality and emotions__ Feeling betrayed by ones own body whenever real desire is experienced___ Aversion to being touched, especially in gynecological exam___ Strong aversion to particular sex acts___ Avoidance of sexual experiences___ Crying after orgasm___ Sexual fantasies of dominance or rape___ Aversion to making noise during sex___ Compulsive need to control the sex act. This might involve having to watch hard-core, abusive Porn while engaging in sex, or the need to impose fantasy role playing onto the activity___ Example: pretending to be a prostitute in order to “endure” the sex act__ Confusion or overlapping of affection, sex, dominance aggression or violence (S&M and B&D (bondage and discipline) are typical expressions of post-sexual abuse syndrome___ Pursuing power in the sexual arena which is actually sexual acting out___ Compulsively “seductive” or compulsively asexual__ Tendency to attract sexual addicts into our lives who exploit and violate our inability to set sexual boundaries__ Has to be the sexual aggressor or must not be the sexual aggressor___ Impersonal sexual encounters___ Promiscuous sex with strangers while still involved in a “committed” relationship where there is an inability to be truly intimate___ Conflicts between sex and caring___ Involvement in the sex industry in any capacity: prostitution, stripping, “sex symbol,” porn actress__ A tendency to sexually act out to meet anger or revenge needs___ Sexaholism: addicted to Lust, or addicted to making others “lust” after us to get that jolt, that hit of excitement |
Affirmations for Sexual Abuse Survivors: I cannot manage my pain alone. I must seek help. I acknowledge that something terrible happened. I know it is not my imagination; I was a victim of childhood and/or adult sexual assault. I begin to recognize my feelings. There may be sadness, anger, fear guilt and shame. I allow myself to experience them all. I discuss the abuse thoroughly with other survivors. I completely re-experience and begin to deal with feelings appropriate for each incident of abuse that I can recall. I share my feelings of shame with other survivors. I begin to realize that I was probably acting appropriately at the time the abuse occurred. (That is, my reactions were appropriate, the abuse was not). I perceive the connection between my molestation and my current behavioral patterns and relationships. I am beginning to develop some control over that connection. I recognize that I have a choice as to whether or not I confront my perpetrators. I am beginning to understand what I desire from relationships, as I learn to trust my perceptions. I am able to enjoy intimacy. I develop a sense of self and my self-esteem has increased. My resistance to talking about the abuse (although not necessarily to details of it) has diminished. I realize that I have a choice as to whether or not I forgive my perpetrator. I have forgiven myself. I am in touch with past anger, but detached from it so that it is not a constant part of my feelings and a negative influence on my other feelings, my functioning, and my relationships with others. I no longer live in the past. I live in the present and welcome the future with all its fears, and uncertainties. |
| If you are a victim of sexual abuse, rape, molestation or incest know that Anne Bissell cares about you! |
| Hush I pray you! What if this friend happen to be-God? God teaches us to help each other so-Lending our minds out ( Browning ). |
