| Compulsive Addictive Dependency Relationships |
To learn all about the various types of compulsive addictive dependency relationships that sex, love & romance addicts & co-sex addicts typically create & experience we suggest you read a book called Out Of The Shadows by Dr. Patrick Carnes. We also suggest you go to the additional expense of purchasing John Bradshaw's audio tapes on incest & sexual addiction which are now also available in CD or DVD format. Compulsive addictive dependency relationships bring more people through the doors of twelve step recovery programs than any other problem. Abandonment or the fear of possible abandonment seems to be the problem that brings in the most.
In Dr. Patrick Carnes book Out Of The Shadows he explains the core beliefs of sex addicts & co-sex addicts. Core Belief (4) The Sex Addicts most important need is sex. To the co-sex addict sex is the most important sign of love. Thus the attraction: Problem is sex is not love. Love is not just a feeling it is how you treat someone. Most professionals would agree that both sex addicts & co-sex addicts are more than likely past life trauma or abuse victims & that is what set them up to become sex addicts or co-sex addicts.
Active untreated co-sex addicts unconsciously & naturally attract active untreated sex addicts & visa versa. There seems to be matching antennas. They always find each other quickly wherever they are or go including churches & twelve step meetings. In addictive dependency relationships male or female sex, love or romance or co-sex addicts will generally take on either the offender ( taker ) ( user ) role or the victim ( giver ) ( doormat ) role. Offenders naturally attract victim types & visa versa. The two play off each other which is an understatement. A match made in heaven. Offenders are generally takers & users who often times exhibit aggressive predatory behaviors. They are very smart about what co-sex addicts want to hear & know how to say it. Offenders have very little difficulty in choosing to abandon addictive dependency relationship partners & very seldom experience painful withdraw symptoms. When it comes to romantic relationships offender types are more inclined to be level one sex addicts or romance addicts ( Out Of The Shadows ). Level one sex addicts ( lover boys or players ) have bottom line behaviors having to do mostly with cruising for sex, seduction, sex outside of a committed relationship, lying, conning, manipulating, unsafe sex, casual sex, prostitutes, affairs, adultery, multiple partners, entitlement etc. Not to be confused with Sex Offenders which applies to illegal sexual activities involving victimization ( level three addicts ). Basically level one male & female sex addicts use people to feed & satisfy their addiction. They could care less about hurting or damaging the people they hustle or take advantage of which are often times past life trauma or abuse victims who often times lack the capacity to say no because of the power their own addiction to sex, love, romance or co-sex addiction has over them. Many offenders will already have another addictive dependency relationship partner lined up before they leave the relationship they are currently in with another victim type ( All Addicts Have Their Stash ). Victims are givers or codependent types ( givers ) ( doormats ) who have a morbid fear of abandonment & have extreme difficulty in choosing to leave compulsive addictive dependency relationship partners. Victims are more inclined to be love addicts or co-sex addicts & some may also be sexually addicted. Co-sexual addiction is not uncommon in sexually addicted men & women & especially so in victim types. Victim types suffer excruciating, debilitating & emotionally painful withdraw symptoms when abandoned by offender types & will say or do almost anything to try & desperately hold onto compulsive addictive dependency relationship partners. Victim types do not exhibit strong protective personal boundaries. Offenders basically could are less about their victims or their feelings & can not relate to victimization or how that feels. When confronted by victims offenders will often times turn everything around & make everything about their victim & place all the blame on them. They will do this even when they were dishonest, manipulative or coercive in the beginning of the relationship. The vast majority of sex, love or romance addicts that come out of denial & delusion & decide to reach out for help are almost always level two or three sex addicts ( Out Of The Shadows ). Very few level one female or male offender types ever make it out of sex, love or romance addiction simply because they do not experience withdraw pain, they do not want to stop acting out sexually as that would represent giving up the power & control they have over others & society often does not see their dysfunctional & emotionally abusive relationship behavior as anything more than normal boys will be boys or boy girl stuff even though nothing could be further from the truth. This is especially so if you are the victim type who has been victimized by an offender type who convinced you through very clever & well thought out coercion & manipulation that they really cared about you as a person. Offenders generally relate to or Mimic the behavior of the person(s) who victimized them in their past life which is a form of reenactment. Victims generally relate to their victimization & seemingly automatically take on the role as victims in compulsive addictive dependency relationships which is also a form of reenactment. Both were more than likely very unfortunate past life overt or covert abuse victims in one form or another that often times carry out their roles unconsciously & more often than not actually think their relationship behavior is perfectly normal due to their denial & delusion which is very powerful over them.. Each individual person man or woman who feels they may have a problem with sex, love or romance addiction or co-sex addiction must self identify their very own personal bottom line sexual acting out behaviors & decide for themselves which of their romantic relationship behaviors are addictive or not.
or sexual behaviors may have the potential of becoming compulsive or addictive bottom line behaviors. ( Bottom Line Sexual Acting Out Behaviors ) ( Signpost Of Sex, Love & Romance Addiction In Women ) They must also self identify the roles they have played out in past addictive dependency relationships. Were they offender types or victim types? Which role did they play out? How is your love life anyway? They must also try to self identify or get in touch with their feelings concerning their past life covert or overt abuse issues that more than likely set them up to become the way they are through no fault of their own. Many of us in recovery for sexual addiction both men & women alike have actually experienced & lived through these types of addictive dependency relationships which always seem to get sicker & sicker as time goes on. We no longer desire to participate in compulsive addictive dependency relationships for obvious reasons.
relationships with co-addicts or codependents which are basically the same thing ( destructive ). |
| The Split |
| OCD |
| DPD |
| NPD |
| Codependency |
| DF |
| AFS |
| Compulsive addictive dependency relationships are about as rewarding as going to the public dump to search for collectible beer cans. They always get sicker & sicker as time goes on & most are destined for failure. If both partners get themselves into a program of recovery they can be repaired with a lot of work. They will both need counseling & therapy to restore intimacy in their relationship which is the cure for addiction. This process on the average will take 3 to 5 years of diligent recovery work. |